Breakeven
by Daysi5
Summary: Josh finds out that everyone knows about the falling out between him a Cammie and thinks back about what happened between them. Takes place at the time when Cammie had her final exam/ ball kinda thing. One-shot song-fic song is Breakeven by The Script


Breakeven

A/N::: I don't know how I even thought of this or crammed this all in a day… xD

Disclaimer::: I don't own the song or series =/

zzzNzzz

Josh p.o.v

"How great is this dance?" Dee Dee yells in my ear over the pounding music about ex-boyfriends. "I mean, I didn't do _that_ bad of decorating, did I?"

"Yeah. They're cool," I mutter, glancing around at the purple and yellow balloons, table, lights and paper-mache streamers. It's not she had a choice of the colors, considering they were the school colors, but the decorations didn't… suck.

The song ends, and I lead her off the dance floor. "You really do look handsome in that tux," she says, fingering the pink wrist corsage my mom made me get her. "And I love this corsage."

"Don't thank me, thank my mom. She made me get it." I smile, expecting her to laugh, or smile back. Instead, she took it the wrong way. So I quickly added "You look beautiful in your pink dress. Pink was always your color." _And purple was hers, _a voice whispers in my head. No. Stop. She left. She's happy with Zach. Stop thinking about her. She decided not to come, and that's not my problem.

"Hey Deeds," I say after a long silence, "You want some punch?" She smiles.

"Yeah, sure." I nod and head to the concession table, grabbing a cookie on the way, waiting behind two freshmen for punch.

"Hey dude," the blonde one says to the redhead. "Did you hear about that loser who fell in love with a _Gallagher Girl_?"He spits out the words, and I nearly choke on a piece of chocolate chip but manage to swallow it. My throat tightens up, and I want to run. Run, and not be recognized or noticed. But I can't. My feet feel glued to the ground, and I can't move. "I mean, who could love, or even _like _one of those snobs? And _she_ broke up with _him. _What a lo-ser."

"Actually," the redhead, whose name is Jake (I think) says, "She faked it. I heard she told him she was homeschooled. His friend Daniel told him though, that he saw hanging out with the snobs in town and they went and jumped the wall and found her there in uniform and everything. She didn't even deny it. He broke up with her."

"But he should've seen it coming! I mean, he didn't even know where she lived!"

Jake shrugged. "She said she lived out of the country. Besides, with the money that she's got, I bet she would've been able to pull it off for a whole year until she got bored of him like they always do."

"Whatever. I still think he's a loser for even liking her. A fool for falling for a Gallagher girl." They kept talking as they walked away cups in hand, not even to glance back if someone heard. But I didn't move. I was frozen by their words that played over and over in my head, whirling until they didn't make sense and everything was incoherent, the point finally getting through; word got around about me and Cammie. And I'm now the school loser for falling for her. I suddenly felt nauseous.

I threw the bitten cookie away, rushing out of the auditorium to the bathrooms. They were all crowded, so I ran out to the courtyard instead, cold air stinging my cheeks as I burst open the doors. I barely made it behind a tree when I tripped, bile rising up in my throat. _Oh God,_ I thought, retching my guts out. _How'd they know?_

After puking everything I had, I sat on the other side of the tree, my body aching from the heaving. The icy air felt good against my damp sweaty skin as my mind cleared and I realized who those two guys were. Brandon was the blondie, the brunette was Jason, who were both from the track team. _I'll get Dan—I mean Dillon and the guys to beat them up for me. _

_Dee_ _Dee must be worried,_ I tell myself, the music muffled but audible humming in my ears. I slowly get up on weak limbs, as if I was a new born deer.

"How pathetic," I sneer to myself, leaning against the closest wall for a breather. "One mention of my past, and I'm all crapped up." I manage to pull the door open but collapse in the semi-empty hall, exhausted. _Dee Dee will find me… eventually._ Instead, I focus on the new beat that pounded in my ears. Like a guitar being plucked in a lullabiac melody.

_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in_

I close my eyes to the voice. _So soft sounding._ I felt so alive with her. I felt like I could do anything and everything, even defy my parents when they tried to force the store on me. But now that she's gone, I feel like I fell back into my normal routine, except I fell deeper and harder than I was before. Going through the same thing every day, breathing, eating, talking, sleeping.

I'm not a firm believer in God. There might be someone after I die, or there may not. But I still have wishes and hopes and prayers, even if someone may not be listening. All I want is everything back that I lost. My heart. My happiness. My Cammie.

_Cause I got time while she got freedom  
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even_

Free will. I've always wanted to take my own path. To live and start my own life and begin my own path. But I won't. I have to stick around with the pharmacy. I'm going to be stuck in Roseville for my whole life, curing people of their pitiful and petty problems while she goes and travels the world with her inheiritance and travel. I'm going to be stuck in this hellhole for life while she's going to be free. Maybe because fate's a big pain in the butt. Maybe because it just wasn't meant to be. Or maybe because I'm so hung-over the one who I might've fallen in love with and lost and can't get over it, so I let my life go downhill, not caring what happens. Because when we split, she got the smaller side of our messed up love. I got the bigger half and she got the smaller portion. Because a broken heart never breaks even. Because in a relationship, one always gets off scot-free while the other takes the brute, coming through wounded, bruised and stripped bare, and sometimes, barely alive.

_Her best days will be some of my worst  
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first_

She was going to let him kiss her. Right there in some alley. And she looked… disappointed when Dee Dee spoke up. And what do you know? It was the same day I went to a class for running business that my dad signed me up for. Worst two hours of my life. But then seeing Cammie and Zach, how he looked at her and how she would've let him sweep her off her feet with a kiss made that day unbearable and the worst. It was probably her best day though. She almost got kissed by a guy who probably fell for her as well. But he cares for her. That much I know.

_"Hey man," I say as soon as Dee Dee and Cammie leave to the bathroom. "I care about Cammie… a lot. Don't… don't take her for granted, okay?" He blinks, like I caught him off guard. But then he smiles._

_"Don't worry Ji—Josh. I care about Cammie, a lot, as well." He smiles brightly. "I'll always put her happiness before my own." He looks down, and in s quieter voice, says "Hell, I'd even take a bullet for her." He chuckles, and goose bumps cover my arms, because I think he meant it literally. _

At least she found someone who'll put her first before themselves. I'm… happy for her.

_They say bad things happen for a reason  
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding_

"Dude, Cammie being a Gallagher isn't bad—it's good! You know, because she's just a snobby rich girl, totally not your type. Even if you take the break-up of your "relationship" harshly, it happened for a reason right? Maybe you'll meet someone better." Dillon said. But I just sat and stared straight ahead, waiting for… something. Because I'm used to Dillon trying to cheer me up and calling her names. But nothing he's going to say is going to make the feeling of betrayal and emptiness go away. Nothing he says is going to make my hurting heart stop hurting.

_Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving_

She found Zach. Zach makes her happy. And I'm with Dee Dee. But… I'm with the singer on this one. She moved on so easily, it was like we were never together. I tried not to look like the dumpee, so Dee Dee was… my rebound. I thought I'd be able to make Cammie jealous. I really thought she'd come back and say she realized she loved me, and only me. Pathetic, right? Yeah well, it backfired, because now she thinks I'm happy with Dee Dee, and now she's happy with Zach.

_I'm falling to pieces, yeah,_

I slowly retracted from my life, quitting track, not paying attention at school in my best classes, flunking my worse. I didn't hang out with the guys anymore, ditching them when they brought up the idea of teepeeing or graffitying their Wall, instead spending all my free time in the pharmacy, learning how to identify symptoms and organize the boxes so they don't get lost, excepting my cruel tedious fate.

And now, here I was, in a deserted hall, hiding from my friends and girlfriend, not wanting to be found and relating my life to a singer. Because I'm slowly falling apart to pieces and pieces, slowly losing myself, becoming someone I'm not.

_Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain  
You took your suitcase, I took the blame._

She still has my heart. She probably has Zach's. and what am I left with, if she has my heart? The pain. The pain of loss. The pain of the truth. The pain of betrayal. We went through so much together, and _I'm_ left with the pain.

And then she left. It was so sudden, so quick; I was hardly able to blink before I knew she was gone. One day I'm left in a daze by her beauty, and the next, I'm standing at the Gallagher Academy wall, breaking up with the only girl who understood me. And I took the blame and blows. I'm at fault for "a perfect wife for a pharmacist" and the blame for "losing a girl to play tea with." I was the dumpee and loser. I was "a chap that let a gal slip away." But most of all, I was "a fool who fell for a Gallagher girl."

_Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh  
Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name._

But it still makes little sense. She just lied about being homeschooled. So what if she went the Gallagher Academy for Exceptional Women? We could've kissed and made up, right? But… why do I get the strange feeling that there's something more to it? A bigger, deadlier reason? More than her saying that she dated me for fun. Something that tickled the edge of my brain, something that—

"There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere!" I jump at the high-pitch voice, scaring me out of my thoughts as I turn my head at the source of the noise, only to see pale feet and legs in pink heels, a pink hem covering the person's knees.

"Hey Dee Dee," I mutter, thanking all that's holy that I forced down five breath mints. She's suddenly next to me, sitting beside me as her electric blue eyes stare at me, her blonde curls falling limply around her.

"How long were you planning to hide from me?" she asks, slightly teasing.

I drag my hand across my face, rubbing away my annoyance and stress and trying to force a half smile. "I wasn't trying to hide from you. I just suddenly didn't feel good, that's all. The bathrooms were all full and crowded and…" I trailed off. When she looked at me funny, I felt my cheeks turn pink as I quickly added, "Not that I had to use the toilet or anything. I just… needed some air. Away from the pounding music and suffocating crowds." She nods slowly, slowly comprehending me. And then she's up, and all I see are her pale flawless legs.

"Come on," she says, holding out a hand to me. "There are only a couple of songs left. Let's just dance one last one, okay?" I smile gratefully. Because even though we're dating, we're still friends, and nothing can change that. So I take her hand.

_What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you _

Dee Dee is strong, but not strong enough to pull me up. I mean, she can do push-ups just fine because she's more… petite. But I was a different story. I still wonder how Cammie threw me over her shoulder to these days.

So when she had to pull me up, she needed both hands, and had to brace herself against the wall. She stopped pulling too soon though, but I managed to pull myself up, tugging her to me in the process. She stumbled into e, hitting my chest with an "oof" her curly head barely reaching below my chin, her strawberry scent filling my nose. But when she looked up, I didn't see Dee Dee. I saw a girl with hazel eyes and rich brown/blonde hair, looking up at me. _Cammie._ I wrap my arms around her. _She's here. With me. She came._

_What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok_

But she didn't return my embrace.

"Josh," whimpered a voice. "Oh, Josh. I'm not her. I'm not Cammie. She's not here, and I'm not here." I felt two small hands push against my chest as I let her go. Because this wasn't Cammie. Cammie didn't love me. Cammie wasn't here.

I feel my arms fall limp at my side as my knees buckle, and I have to fall back against the wall for support.

"I… I…" No words could fix this. I had just mistaken my girlfriend for my ex. I thought Dee Dee was Cammie, and I was stupid enough to even think she'd be here. She would fall into Zach's arms, not mine.

I feel my throat constrict against the words that are clawing to get out. Words I don't want to admit or say. That I miss her. That I love her. That I want her. But she's probably safe from harm or pain behind her walls. While I'm outside, taking the brute of every hit and making mistakes.

_(Oh glad your okay now)  
I'm falling to pieces yeah_

The guy's right. I may be falling apart to pieces, pieces of me floating off into the distance out of reach and it may be beyond my control, but she's safe. I may be getting laughed at for falling in love with a Gallagher girl, but she's probably enjoying tea and laughing. She's okay behind her ivy covered walls and manicured lawns and shiny limos. But she's safe. She's okay.

_(One still in love while the other ones leaving)  
I'm falling to pieces_

Yeah. I'm the sucker who got stuck with the love and got left behind while she got a "Get out of Jail" free card, avoiding all the "sticky" parts in a relationship, getting the memories and comforts.

"What's wrong with me?" I whisper to no one in particular, expecting an answer from my trembling hands, as if they'll have the solution, written in blood.

"You still love her," Dee Dee whispers back. "She left you so suddenly, so harshly, that you can't get her out of your head because you had a nasty falling out. You want it to end in peace, not undying love." Her voice cracks, as if it hurts her admitting that I still love her. I lose my balance, and slide down to the ground, my butt hitting the tiled cold floor hard with a _thunk_. "You okay?" I nod numbly.

_I'm falling to pieces  
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)_

"I'm falling apart," I mutter, my head in my hands. "I'm falling to pieces that are supposed to make me. And I'm losing." I shake my head, refusing to let the tears that gathered in my eyes to fall. "I got the bigger half, Dee Dee. I got the bad end of the deal."

_Oh it don't break even no_

"Well," she whispered softly like a mother cooing a child to bed. "You're going to either deal with it two of which ways. You can hold your head up high and face it head on and hope you come out alive, or you can carry it as a burden that'll weigh and slow you down for the rest of your life every time you hear a song like this." I know she's right. She has every right to say and lecture me like a child who lost his favorite toy. But it still hurts. It hurts to know we'll never be together. It hurts to know she doesn't feel the same way I do for her. It hurts to know I'm not good for her. Because, a broken heart never breaks even. It doesn't magically mend itself back together without any gaps. It never can be put back together with missing pieces. It can only heal itself, but even then, it's never the same. Never complete. Because…

_Oh it don't break even no_

_zzzNzzz_

_A/N:::Okay. It may have been too sappy… But I think I made Josh too…. Weak? I dunno. Tell me what you think. Slight chance it may become a short fic, like a five chapter thing after I get used to school (Only 175 more days… o_o)_

_REVIEW!_

_=^-^=_


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